Last night a group of mothers met with me at Advice & Aid Pregnancy Center.  For about an hour I responded to their legal questions regarding their struggles in raising their babies under challenging circumstances.

One mom told how her husband will be deported to Guatemala in the fall.  He will leave her with their toddler and an expected newborn.  Another recounted how she had been molested by a family member.  A young mom told how she had been raped at the age of 14.

We talked about restraining orders, child support, disability benefits, and custody.  The women impressed me with their courage, strength, and devotion to their children.  I felt privileged to serve them.

Presidential candidate Senator Barak Obama talks about the importance of fathers in the lives of their children. He also discusses the problems that arise when a father is absent.

Father’s rights groups suppose he meant to criticize fathers who choose not to support their children. That is certainly a part of his message. However, in this video his words could just as well advocate for courts to allow fathers to fulfill meaningful roles in lives of their children.

The father wants to share equal parenting time. The mother wants primary residential custody. She wants their children to live with her but spend every other weekend with their father.

Both parents believe they are being fair, rational, and good to their kids. If they can’t reach an agreement among themselves, a court will decide for them.

So who gets the kids? We have argued this scenario from both sides, both for fathers and for mothers. We litigate from the specific facts in each family’s situation.

Mothers often can show that they have been the primary care giver for the entire life of the children. This argument can be especially persuasive if the mother has stayed home with the children. Sometimes we put a spin on this argument by showing that the mother is the “detailed” parent or the “structured” parent. While the father’s contributions are also important, the children can take advantage of both parents’ strengths by living with their mother during the week and with their father every other weekend.

Fathers are appalled by this suggestion. When we represent fathers, we argue that children need a real father, not a visitor. The sundry details of every day life cannot be replaced: feeding, bathing, homework, and getting the children ready for bed. Even if this was not the father’s primary responsibility during the marriage, many things will change after the marriage. Moreover, it is unfair to require the father to support the mother through spousal maintenance (alimony) and child support so that she can retain primary custody of the children.

In the end, we hope that parents can work out an arrangement among themselves without resorting to court. A judge has biases and prejudices like any other human. A court would make its decision based on a limited amount of evidence. It is impossible to guess in advance what little detail will trigger a response from the judge. Parents leaving family court often consider the results irrational and unfair.

No one loves your children as the parents do. We hope the parents can keep control over their own children without turning them over to the stranger in the black robe.

Last night I served as the guest speaker at Advice and Aid Pregnancy Center in Johnson County, Kansas. Advice and Aid provides practical, nonjudgmental support for young women facing an unplanned pregnancy.

For more than ten years I have assisted clients in their “Bridges” program, which serves single mothers of infants and young children. These brave women face a host of legal problems involving themselves and their children. Issues range over custody, paternity, child support, step parent adoption, and restraining orders relating to domestic violence.

Advice and Aid operate centers in Shawnee and Olathe, Kansas. They answer a 24 hour crisis hot line at (913) 962-2112.